No one — and I mean no one — is more psyched for the 3-D remake of “My Bloody Valentine” coming to theaters next week. I’ve been always been a big fan of 3-D, and the new technology makes it eye-poppingly smooth and headache-free. And as a horror-lover, I can’t think of any better use for the technology than to ensure that I have countless sharp objects and body parts leaping off the screen at me.
And lest you think the 3-D horror boom is beginning and ending with MBV, think again — 2009 alone will see two more presumably R-rated 3-D horror flicks. “Piranha 3-D” directed by the excellent Alexandre Aja and “Final Destination: Death Trip 3-D.” I’m practically having a bloodgasm just thinking about it!
But before getting too excited, I need to remind myself of the 3-D horror boom in the ’80s. This same rush to mix blood and technology happened then with greatly varying results.
So let’s hop in our time machine, put on our cruddy plastic 3-D glasses, and see just how those ’80s 3-D horror movies stacked up….
Jaws 3-D
One of the most high-profile terrible 3-D films, "Jaws 3-D" raised the bar for craptacular horror movies, regardless of the dimension. Inexplicably set 20 year or so in the future after "Jaws 2," this one featured Dennis Quaid, Lea Thompson, and Louis Gossett, Jr. at some watery theme park where Jawsy gets angry. Wisely, the trailer chose to show absolutely nothing from the film.
Best 3-D Moment: Some random severed hand floating off the screen towards you.
Quality of 3-D: Grade: D+
Quality of Movie: Grade: D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMlx33ov82c&feature=related
Friday the 13th Part 3 in 3-D
Excellent 3-D effects instantly made this one the leader of the pack, not just for 3-D horror movies, but for 3-D movies in general during the '80s. Even film critic Leonard Maltin had to grudgingly admit that as stupid as the film was (and make no mistake -- this is one dumb flick) the 3-D effects made it genuinely chilling in parts. In 2-D, it's unquestionably awful, but with the majority of the 3-D being clean and effectively done, this was the 3-D film to see.
Best 3-D Moment: The speargun coming out of the screen had audiences screaming like mad.
Quality of 3-D: Grade: B+
Quality of Movie: Grade: C-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8WcC4pS_tU&feature=channel_page
Amityville 3-D
Whoops. A huge step backwards from the bizarre but ambitious "Amityville Horror 2." Sending the series into PG-land didn't fly with horror fans, and the 3-D was mediocre as well. The film, starring Tony Roberts, Tess Harper, Meg Ryan, Lori Loughlin, and Candy Clark, was unintentionally hilarious. Here's some sample dialogue:
Woman: I hear you bought yourself a haunted house.
Man: I just bought the house, not the ghost.
Bah-dah bump. Thank you, I'll be here all week.
Best 3-D Moment: The only strong moment -- a metal pole shooting through a car windshield. See the trailer below.
Quality of 3-D: Grade: C-
Quality of Movie: Grade: D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FM0SWbO_VxE&feature=channel_page
Parasite
Now, honestly -- this may have the most unintentionally hilarious movie trailer in history. If nothing else, be sure to check it out below. As for the movie itself -- well, let's just say that it's a miracle that Demi Moore's career (this was her second film) survived this garbage. This knockoff of "Alien" will have you rolling with laughter. That said, the 3-D effects weren't terrible, but unfortunately the monster was so large and round that it didn't effectively appear to be coming off the screen.
But that trailer -- thumbs up!
Best 3-D Moment: One moment really stands out -- a shot from below where the Parasite literally drools onto your face. Sweeeeeeeeet.
Quality of 3-D: Grade: B-
Quality of Movie: Grade: F
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CQ9qePJxDo
That's it, gang, at least for the '80s. Let's hope 2009 can top that. Certainly the 3-D will be infinitely better -- the technology is so crisp and clean now that it's practically impossible to botch up with blurriness the way the '80s films did.
But it would be an added bonus if the films themselves were better. And really, the '80s 3-D films didn't exactly set the bar too high there.
See you next week at MBV 3-D!
Oh this is just bloody fantastic! I have to admit, I'm cautiously optimistic about the coming 3-D renaissance because, as you point out, the bar isn't really set all that high from previous efforts.
Although, I have to admit, it's films like those that you listed above that are my second favorite reason for Netflix - renting without having to explain your rentals.
"Why yes, I am that guy paying to watch Amityville 3-D. And how about some Twizzlers to go with it? Thanks."
I loved Friday the 13th in 3-D. It was genuinely dumb as a movie, but from the opening credits to the old man holding the eye in the middle of the road, to the various weapons and instruments of torture flying through the air -- it was a good one.
I'm going to go to see My Bloody Valentine 3-D soon -- I don't love that franchise, but I love 3-D.
Frankly, I wish Mamma Mia had been in 3-D.
Yeah, the opening credits to F13 were terrific in 3-D. There was only one 3-D moment that didn't work -- where Jason squishes some guy's head til his eyes pop out. Everything else did pretty well though.
As to Mamma Mia -- well, there are some things that even technology can't fix.