They’re everywhere, zombies. They’re rising up all around us. We have movies (Zombieland, Dead Snow), video games (Dead Rising, Left 4 Dead), board games, and books (World War Z, Zombie Survival Guide, Breathers). This Fall, they’ll shuffle and chew their way into the Star Wars universe (Death Troopers). Increasingly large groups of still-living people go on Zombie Walks. There are even serious scholarly works on zombie infection rates. Oh, you read that last one correctly, scholarly papers on zombie infection rates. But we’ll come back to that shortly.
Zombies and Me (and you)
I’ve been pretty open about my odd relationship with the undead. They freak me out; I mean, the really freak me out and in ways that other “undead” monsters don’t, like vampires. It’s easy to understand why, vampires retain their outward human appearance to a greater degree than the rotting undead (of course, the fact that vampires have been so successfully de-fanged as monsters and turned to more of an altered-state human certainly removes the fright factor). But it’s more the thought of an unthinking, rotting, should-clearly-not-be-trying-to-eat-me creature is up and lurking around, unstoppable unless you take out its head, really, for lack of a better term, gets under my skin.
More troubling is that zombies quickly give birth to more zombies. If you “survive” a zombie attack, it’s only a temporary reprieve as bites and scratches will have you jonesing for brains in short order. And here we return to that scholarly paper. You don’t have to take my word for it, a group of concerned students at the University of Ottawa created a mathematical model of zombie infection rates and the effects of a zombie outbreak.
No kidding. If you want to check it out, you can do so here: When Zombies Attack: Mathematical Modeling of an Outbreak of Zombie Infection [PDF | University of Ottawa]. Its formulas and mathematical proofs are only ever so slightly out of my grasp, but I get the gist: Zombie outbreak = doom. Below is a story from NPR, in which professor Robert Smith? (and yeah, his name is spelled with a question mark) talks about the paper.
And yet, I can’t help but feel that there are problems with this mathematical model. It has nothing to do with professor Smith? research or math skills, those are above the bar; the problem is with zombies themselves.
The Problems with Zombies
Are they really the destructive, unconquerable monsters we think they are? Well, that question isn’t quite right, you can create advantageous situations where zombies, at least in one-on-one showdowns can be pretty conquerable. No, the question is, could they really swamp an entire population?
I’m not convinced that they could. Zombies have a few knocks against them that would go a long way towards hampering their ability overtake whole civilizations. Here’s a few of the trouble points:
1. Decay Rate
On average, the human body takes a handful of weeks to decay after death (this is, of course, variable depending on factors such as climate, processed food consumption-I'm looking at you Velveeta-and amount of cosmetic surgery*). So really, the zombies start showing up, you need to barricade yourself away for roughly that amount of time and then emerge (carefully) back out into the sunshine, shovels in hand and start clearing the roads. Yes, I know, we're not exactly prepared to hole up for that much time right now, so we will have to take risks in the first few days to grab supplies. It's in this initial time that most of the victims will be infected. But after that, once we're relatively squared away for a while, you just lock the doors, board the windows and hunker down. Of course, you may not have to hunker down in fear for the full term of the decay process because...
2. Rigor Mortis, Atrophy and Injuries
There's no more oxygen being delivered to the muscles of the undead. To that point, there's no more anything being delivered anywhere (with the unfortunate exception of some unlucky early victim's brains to their stomach). Eventually, they are going to start to stiffen and when that happens your monster goes from fleet footed to plodding. Eventually, even the plodding will become difficult as the muscle will begin to atrophy, shrinking away into oblivion. Worse still, as we decay, we produce gas until we, um, tear a little at the seams. The longer a zombie is active, the less threatening it becomes, so the worst time to encounter a zombie is right at the beginning (when you'll be hunkered down at home or where ever).
And then there are injuries. They aren't going to heal. Break something, a leg or an arm, and it will remain broken on that zombie. So broken legs will render many zombies almost ineffectual (even the fastest crawler can be out-jogged) and broken arms, what is it going to do, slap you to death? Just watch the teeth. Of course, this is assuming that zombies are going to get to you in the first place, which might not be a problem because...
3. How do they hunt? How do they tell other zombies from just really messed up people?
Zombies are a horde monster. They're not great thinkers. In fact, they're barely thinkers at all and seem to act more on instinct than anything else. So if you're out of sight, and out of earshot, how will they find you?
They won't.
More over, how will they know if you're dead or alive? Can't we reasonably expect that some of the newly undead will be mistaken for living and thus torn to shreds? It's zombie friendly fire. Or, how will they distinguish other undead from someone who's just really messed up? Can you fool them by grunting and shuffling around a bit?
Okay, so if you're thinking that I'm alone in questioning the potency of a zombie infection, I'm not. Recently, the University of Florida removed their Zombie Preparedness document from their e-Learning Support Services site**. So it's pretty clear that the idea of a mass zombie outbreak is losing traction as a civilization ending event.
No, the real trouble that zombies pose will be in small groups and isolated areas. That is where they are really dangerous. Zombies need that element of the un-expected, the element of surprise, because if they get the jump on you, outnumber you, or otherwise find you off-guard, then you will be in a world of trouble. Even I can't dispute that.
Am I Missing the Point?
Here's the thing. Monsters have traditionally been stand-in's for bigger problems. They're symbolic. Vampires were stand-in's for addictions, with their needing to be invited in to one's home and their unquenchable thirsts. Werewolf's, a Jekyll and Hyde type of monster, were also fantastic monster representations of what a person in the grips of an addiction could be like, one minute your fine, but when your drug of choice kicks in, you're a different person all-together, just like transforming for mild mannered Bob to Bob-wolf, killing machine.
Zombies are far more malleable though. They could be a guise for an intimate ailment like the above or, because of their horde nature, they can stand if for societal problems at large. So as a literary device, the zombie is perhaps the most adaptable of the monsters. Below, an NPR report highlights some of the uses zombies can serve as a storytelling device.
Finally, I'm forced to acknowledge the healing, or bonding, element of the zombies. If I'm right or if I'm wrong, there's no denying that a zombie outbreak will bring us all together, either holed up in our houses and offices, or out shuffling in the streets, taking in the fresh air while stiffly shuffling down victims. The differences that divided us will dissolve as we focus on survival. It would be so kumbaya, if it weren't for the danger of being eaten alive.
I'll leave the final word to Adam Sessler, of G4TV's X-Play, who postulates that zombies, despite their evil ways, might just be good for humanity***.
So you tell us: Zombies - menace or over-hyped nuisance?
Feel like you need to do more research? Check out some of the books above or head over to Crackle.com, where they are having a ZombieFest featuring films, shows, and original content.
*This is why it is vital that a zombie outbreak be preventing in places like, oh let's just say, Hollywood for example.
**Of course, we here at Suvudu take preparedness seriously. You can find the now-absent UF Zombie document by downloading it HERE [PDF]. Perhaps if this information had been available, the sad case of @HikerSharon and her boyfriend Patrick might have turned out differently.
***In the short run, of course. Long-term, not so much.
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